he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
