Tell her she can't have a vagina
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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