She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Randomize
