dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
