genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
