I showed him my bush... on skype.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
