I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
