You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
