omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
