Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
