Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
