Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
