Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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