It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
