I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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