There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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