Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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