considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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