i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
