smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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