my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
