i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
