Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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