No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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