you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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