He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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