kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
