Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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