Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
