Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize