I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
