Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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