please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
