I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Found the puke drawer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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