Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
