for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
