so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
