I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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