she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
