maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
