those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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