Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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