I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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