i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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