Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
