The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
