Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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