the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
