i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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