He is an equal opportunity slut.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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