Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
and she was petting her beer can
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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