Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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