I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
