you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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