i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
