In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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