Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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