Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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