elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
