Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
